


Kyle's Boomin' Camping Trip

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [17]
Category: Jersey Devil (Folklore), Original Work
Genre: Alcohol, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Ghosts, Bad Writing, Beer, Best Friends, Binge Drinking, Camping, Childhood Friends, College, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Dark Comedy, Drinking, Episode: s01e05 The Jersey Devil, Episode: s14e09 It's a Jersey Thing, Excessive Drinking, Face-Fucking, Folklore, Forest Sex, Forests, Friendship, Fucking, Ghosts, Good Writing, Heavy Drinking, Hunters & Hunting, Jersey Kyle Broflovski, Late Night Writing, Marijuana, New Jersey, Other, Party, Partying, Porn, Rape, Skull Fucking, Smoking, Summer, Summer Vacation, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Whiskey & Scotch, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:55:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26126869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: Kyle and The Boys go camping in the notorious Pine Barrens in southern New Jersey.  They run into some strange characters.
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [17]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981





	Kyle's Boomin' Camping Trip

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the other stories from Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin Camping Trip

It was friday morning and for the first time in weeks, the boys didn’t have any plans. Usually the boys would gather up and go to the beach or they would party at one of their houses. This week happened to be a fluke in the system which they had set up, leaving them stranded with nothing to do. Kyle, sitting alone in his room, decided to call up the boys. 

“The fuck do you want?” Jay asked. 

“Have you realized that we haven’t made plans for this weekend yet? What the fuck are we supposed to do?” Kyle stated.

“We can fuck fat chicks.” Malcolm blurted, the group became silent on call.

“Malcolm, nobody wants to go deep sea diving into the land whales which you so desperately crave. You got that?” Jon responded.

“God damnit.” Malcolm replied in shame.

“Damn we really didn’t see this weekend coming did we.” Gianni commented.

“Guys, how about we go camping in the Pine Barrens. I know a spot that’s free, we just park and wander in.” Nick suggested.

“Bet that can work. Has anyone heard from Mark? He’s been MIA since he started dating again.” Kyle said.

Mark started dating a girl a month prior. At first everything started off great, life was a garden of peaches and roses for the lovely couple. Within a few weeks however the relationship soured, leaving nothing but bitterness and anger between the two of them. Prior to the boys' hectic Fourth of July party, they went to the beach at night in order to drink under the starry moonlight. Mark decided to pregame the event, having half of an Old English beer. His girlfriend being out of town, was fuming at the fact he did that, thus he didn’t drink the entire night. It was a war effort for the boys to convince Mark to even attend the party, since his girlfriend hated Jay. Kyle gave it his best shot and told Mark to come along and don’t tell his girlfriend. Somehow she saw the message putting Kyle on her hit list along with Jay. Ever since that party, Mark had gone missing. 

“Yea we gotta get that simp back on track.” Malcolm commented.

“Let’s kidnap him.” Jay suggested.

“There we go.” Kyle responded.

The boys took Kyle’s car and drove to Mark’s house. They approached Mark’s window to find him sitting alone in his bed blasting Juice World, smoking a fat joint. The boys then knocked on Mark’s door, which his parents answered, and walked right into their house. The boys approached Mark’s room and put him into a giant body bag. Normally Mark would be alert enough to defend himself in an ambush but this time he was too stoned to even get out of bed. The boys walked out of the house with Mark slumped in a body bag, there they threw him into Kyle’s trunk. Next stop was the Pine Barrens. 

Halfway through the ride on the way down, Mark woke up from his weed coma and realized he was in Kyle’s car with the boys instead of his bed. Mark was confused as to how this happened.

“Uh, what the fuck?” Mark asked.

“We kidnapped you Mark.” Nick responded.

“Thank you Nick.” Mark responded sarcastically. “Really, why am I here and where the fuck are we going?” 

“We’re going camping.” Kyle said. “We’ve noticed you’ve been MIA the past few weeks so we decided to kidnap you instead of calling you up.”

“Oof.” Mark responded.

The boys reached the Pine Barrens and unloaded Kyle’s car. Along with camping essentials such as tents and sleeping bags, the boys brought two thirty cases of beer and plenty of weed. The boys intentions were simple, find a nice spot in the woods to set up camp, and party the entire night. With their priorities set, the boys ventured off. 

After a hike of almost two miles into the woods, the boys found a perfect spot to set up camp. In the midst of towering pine trees was a patch of land right next to a creek that was perfect for the boys to swim in. Since it was summer, the plants were fully in bloom and the animals roamed. The landscape was something out of a painting, or a picture from a Downeast Magazine which furries would secretly masturbate to since many animals were shown. The setting was true bliss, once camp was set up, the boys started a bonfire and cracked open some beers. With Gianni’s Chill Vibe Playlist featuring songs by Ballyhoo blasting throughout the day, the boys threw a football around in the creek and drank in the woods. Everything was going well until they noticed something was amiss.

“Hey has anyone seen Malcolm in the past hour?” Gianni asked.

“Nope, I haven’t the foggiest.” Nick responded.

“God damn it we lost him again.” Kyle said frustrated.

“I wonder where he went this time.” Jay commented.

“The idiot probably saw a squirrel and started chasing it. He always does this shit.” Jon stated.

“Alright let’s go find him.” Mark said. 

It was at that moment the boys heard rustling coming from the bushes behind them. A few months prior, the boys would’ve been naive and thought the sound was a rabbit or a bird. After having an encounter with BigFoot however, they now know that not every noise is an innocent animal. The boys were prepared for anything when the creature rose from the bushes.

“Holy fuck it’s the Jersey Devil!” Kyle yelled.

The Pine Barrens was notorious for hosting mythical creatures, the most notorious however is none other than the Jersey Devil. Ever since his birth in the late 1700’s, New Jersey folklore told many tales of this creature's shenanigans in the Pine Barrens ranging from his morphing at birth to the creation of the shitty hockey team with white trash fans. The Jersey Devil had distinct physical features found on no other being. The Jersey Devil had a horse body with bat wings, bird legs, and a goat's head. Needless to say the Jersey Devil was very controversial. 

“Sup guys.” The Jersey Devil said casually.

“Are you here to kill us?” Nick asked.

“Nah, you can’t trust that fake news media. They’ve been slandering my good name for years.” The Jersey Devil explained.

“Oh. Hey you fly and shit, can you help us find our friend? The idiot wandered off and now he’s lost.” Kyle asked.

“Is he the spazzy kid with glasses?” The Jersey Devil asked.

“Yes.” The boys responded.

“Does he have a terrible anger problem?” 

“Yes.” 

“Two hunters shot the kid and took him off. They tend to fuck animals they kill.” The Jersey Devil informed. 

“Of course Malcolm gets mistaken for a wild bear and is shot just to be raped.” Jay said. 

“Yea I’ll help you guys find him.” The Jersey Devil offered.

The boys along with the Jersey Devil proceeded into the vast wilderness with a quest to find Malcolm. Luckily for them, Malcolm left behind a trail of footprints in the dirt which the boys used to follow. The trail went on for a bit so the boys got to talking with the Jersey Devil along the way. 

“So, how did you actually become like this?” Kyle asked.

“So my mother was a fucking whore who had twelve children. It must’ve been something about having that many children which set her over the edge. Even then the slut still needed cock so she fucked again thus I was conceived. Apparently the bimbo didn’t know that sex created babies so when she found out she was pregnant, she cursed me into being a devil child. So God turned me into this at birth and I killed the entire family. Since then I’ve been vibing out in these woods.” The Jersey Devil explained.

“Wow what a cunt.” Mark said.

“It’s funny, girls love to say that guys are jerks and we’re the assholes when really they are just giant whore bitches who break guys hearts constantly. Like fuck those hypocratic heartless cunts.” Nick stated.

“I fully agree, they mostly belong to the streets. Fucking gutter punks, if Malcolm were here he’d back me up on this.” Jon said.

“I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this way.” The Jersey Devil said.

“Bro, this fucking bitch at my school, Nancy Drew, all she does is pick on me every chance she gets just to boost her ego. If I’m vulnerable in any sort of situation she’d attack me for it.” Kyle explained.

“Wow I feel bad for you.” The Jersey Devil said sympathetically. 

It was at that moment Kyle got a call. The boys hoped it was Malcolm calling to see where they were but unfortunately that was not the case. 

“God damnit!” Kyle yelled. “It’s Nancy fucking Drew!”

“Hey boomer!” Nancy yelled from the other end of the phone.

“Jesus, why do you call at the worst possible time?” Kyle asked.

“How’s the camping trip?”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“But I miss you!” 

Kyle hung up the phone just as Nancy started to cry. Kyle stood in anger and looked to the group.

“You see what I mean? She’s always fucking up everything.” Kyle hissed.

“I’m so sorry for you.” The Jersey Devil said.

The boys continued down Malcolm’s footprint path. After a solid mile of hiking the footpath stopped cold in its tracks. The group was baffled by how Malcolm could’ve disappeared. The boys would’ve assumed the Jersey Devil had something to do with the disappearance, but that wasn’t the case since he was with the boys. 

“How the fuck could he disappear like that?” Kyle asked.

“You know I’m not the only mythical monster in these woods, they probably saw where they went” The Jersey Devil stated.

“Oh you right.” Gianni commented. 

“There is a legit ghost town here which the spirits now reside in. I can call one of them over and ask if they’ve seen anything.” The Jersey Devil offered. 

“Yea that will work.” Nick said.

The Jersey Devil took out an old flip phone from the 2000’s and called one of the spirits which haunted the woods. Since the Jersey Devil didn’t leave the woods often, he was unable to get the latest technological gadgets. 

“Yo what’s good?” The ghost said on the other end of the phone.

“Yo James, can you come here for a second? I need your help.” The Jersey Devil asked. 

“Ight bet.” 

A few minutes went by until a ghostly figure came flying from the trees. The ghost was James Still, an African American doctor from the 1800’s who was lynched for practicing medicine. Since the lynching he roamed the Pine Barrens curing many ghostly diseases, especially the Jersey Devil’s herpes. Looking like a stereotypical ghost, he flew over to the boys.

“Yo what do you need?” James asked.

“Have you seen a spaz retard with glasses walking around here?” The Jersey Devil asked. 

“As a matter a fact I did see him. He was chasing a squirrel with a stick when the two hunters came.” 

“Fuck those guys honestly.” 

“Wait who the fuck are these hunters?” Nick asked. 

“These redneck jackasses come into the woods and shoot the animals, they don’t eat them because they’re vegan. They rape the animnals instead.” James explained.

“God damn vegans and vegetarians are weird as hell.” Mark commented.

“Tell me about it.” The Jersey Devil said.

“Well where are they?” Jay asked.

“They have a rape shack in one of the old abandoned houses in the area.” James said.

“We’ll take you to it.” The Jersey Devil added.

James and the Jersey Devil led the boys to an abandoned house in the middle of the woods. The house was in complete disrepair, surrounded by ivy and trees, the roof and windows were gone. Graffiti was everywhere, with cocks painted all over. The house itself dated back to the 1600’s when the colony was still being settled. The group walked into the house to find a horrific site. 

The two hunters were completely naked, tag teaming Malcolm who was tied down to a table. The hunters would go from taking turns pounding Malcolm’s ass to having one cock in his throat while the other was in the back. As usual Malcolm was squealing like a pig. The hunters noticed the boys, they stopped dead in their tracks and looked at the boys. 

“What you gonna do? Kill us?” One of the hunters asked.

“Well I mean we should let you finish. I don’t want you guys to get blue balls.” Mark responded.

“Oh, okay thanks.” The other hunter said.

“Yea blue balls fucking suck, we can’t have that on our concious.” Gianni stated.

The hunters continued to gang rape Malcolm while the boys waited for them to finish. A full ten minutes of the group standing bored out of their minds while the hunters continued to rape. Once the hunters climaxed at the same time, they stepped away from Malcolm, that was when the boys struck back.

“Now!” Kyle yelled.

The Jersey Devil ran over to the hunters and blew fire on them. The hunters ran around the abandoned house screaming in pain as they burned, eventually collapsing on the ground. The fire went out and left two charred corpses. The boys then freed Malcolm.

“What the fuck?! You sat there and watched me get raped?! Bruh!” Malcolm yelled.

“Hey we didn’t have to do anything so be thankful for what you got.” Mark said sternly.

“Yea you do have a point.” Malcolm responded.

The boys along with the Jersey Devil and the ghost of James Stills went back to camp where they finished off the rest of the beers. With music blasting and a campfire raging, the group enjoyed their night. Many other ghosts and mythical creatures showed up and partied with the boys as well. The next day the boys had a massive hangover and got pulled over by a state trooper on the way home. Kyle called up the Jersey Devil to fly over and burn the cop on the highway, the boys then sped off. That was the end to their longly awaited camping trip.

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin camping trip, I want to party with the Jersey Devil. 

  
  



End file.
